Dang I miss it...

Well, I haven't got the chance to write anything in the last few days due to my trip to West Covina. Man, it was nice to see mi familia. It has been a while since I really got to see most of them in the same place at once. Everyone is always too busy to visit their parents, my nana and tata. It was cool. I got a super cool messenger bag. It's of Jack. I got a System of a Down Tee and a Tool one. They're pretty sweet. You know what's really sad? I almost bought a "Ragdoll" bottle for 'her' w/o even thinking. Its difficult to let old habits go. Some things are too difficult to drop. While some people can just set up camp, tell tall tales, get the hopes of the leader up, and w/o so much as a farewell, they leave to another site and start again with their bullcrap treachery. I will never place that much trust in anything again. I hate talking about it, its still very painful. If Tara ever wanted to talk about it, it'd be helpful. Though, I don't think she can quite handle that load. Besides, I wouldn't want to put that between us. I don't know how much she likes me, at all. Obviously, she likes me enough to stay with me, but why? I am not fishing for compliments by any means, though I can't help but wonder why anyone would want to be with a wreck like me, for any amount of time. After 'she' and I filled our heads with false hopes and dreams, she burst every single one and left me with my broken wings. I wish I knew why angels have to fall. Fallen angels become demons that torture you till you wish for death or the unattainable peace that you once had.How is it that eventhough people all through the history of the world have been burned by faith in love, I still fell hard for the oldest trick in the book?!?!?! I refuse to put anyone through that crap. While some claim they have felt pain and they say that they have hurt for a longer amount of time, like say 2 years, think of this: I HAVE TO HURT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE KNOWING THAT ALL THAT HAPPENED AND ALL THAT WAS SHARED IN 2 YEARS HAS GONE TO WASTE!!!!!! All the firsts that a person can go through, EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TRIAL and tribulation has been overcome. I was told something very true by a dear friend. "The only real secret to a relationship that last forever is 2 people who will NEVER EVER give up." Those words are true and from what I've learned, even though you truly believe that the other person is in it as much as you are, they probably aren't. If it were true, then nothing would have happened in AZ at the BOA, but apparently, IT WAS ALLLLL BULLSHIT!!!! IT WAS A GOD DAMNED JOKE!!!!!!!! For that, I can never forgive.I have lots more to say, but I don't believe that this is the right place to clear my grief. So, fuck it. No one really reads this shit and no one who does, cares about me AT ALLLLL let alone enough to ask me how I am or if I will ever be ok. I hate being alone. I am. Its unavoidable. Fate wants me that way. Destiny likes to jerk me around and drop me from peaks. Everyday is just another failed attempt at flying to that place I was before reality (gravity) pulled me down and I was abandoned by the one I thought would love me forever. Sick sad irony huh? Thats why I refuse to get suckered again by anyone.Anyway, went to see Last Samurai. It was insanely great. Man, I loved it. I want a Kitana and I want to be trained in the way of the sword. Man, I would be a bad ass. Then, I would kill a few people... in bad ass style. Well, I'm really lame. I didn't walk Tara to her door. I really wanted to opportunity to just sit with her in the truck or anywhere and hold her or even be held. God knows I want her touch. I like her a lot. I wish I had her affection. I am with her so I am not alone, but I can't help but feel isolated when I am not receiving human contact. I wish I was with somone who likes me as much as I like them. Tara might be this person, but I'm too dumb to see it. Oh well. I hope things get better. I really like her, I want her attention and I want her affection. I'm tooooo much of a whiner and I ask for too much. When will I learn that everntually, everything is a lie and I'll just get hurt again. I don't want love anymore. It doesn't exist to me anymore. It died on Nov. 1. Fuck it. I just want acceptance and affection. Thats too much to ask for though. I'm lucky to even find a person to be with. I'm thankful for Tara and all that she does, so I will do all in my power to get her to like me and to keep her. Maybe I will eventually find someone for whom all that I can give and all that I am is good enough for. For Cris in the end, all that I could possibly give wasn't good enough. I believe history will repeat itself and I'll be alone again. Oh well. Live for the moment, though you may be dying inside. I wish I had love...

Mmmmhmmm

Today was cool. It started awesome. I got an Über cool gift from Tara. YAY!! It consisted of The Doors Legacy Album and a fuckin' cool Lobster Pillow. Man, I am so totally sleeping with that pillow. Yeah. Lucky pillow. In Shaw-diddy's class, I just messed around like usual. It was cool. Slom tried to get all crazy. It was dumb. She was mad cuz we were watching this guy's video of himself beating Super Mario 3 on NES in 10 minutes and 50 seconds. It is so damn crazy. I mean, he cheated, but its still cool. How did he cheat, you may ask. Well, the guy played the game on an emulator for the computer. On emulators, there is an option known as "frame rate", this pretty much is how fast it goes. Frames are the stills that are combined to make a movie. Like the pages of a cartoon flip book. In average home videos, its about 29-35 frames per second. In video games its a little lower. If a person alters it to be like 5 frames per second, it will be in vary sloooooww motion. This person did just this. When he displays the video, however, he plays it in normal real frames. This creates the illusion that he beat the game in 11 minutes roughly, but at that rate, it took him about an hour. None the less, to beat the game that quick is still an accomplishment. So, yup. So anyhoo in Beeson's, it was kickback and nice. In Little's class, we watched "Frontier House"... score!!!! Man, I love that show soooo much. Its fricken awesome. Anyway, lunch was better. I lied on the bench like I normally do when I'm kind of tired, and Tara decided it would be a good idea to straddle me. It was nice, but I couldn't help but be paranoid. I liked it a lot. It was crazy hot. Man, she's so hot. I hope she likes me as much as I like her. Wishful thinking. Yup. Anyways, we ended up on the grass lying down. It was all warm and nice. I didn't have to go to work, so I got to hang with my buds after school and I got to see my Tara. She couldn't go to Escalera's Su Casa with me, but I'm glad. Their food fucken sucked bad. God I hate their food. It is soooo nasty. So, I got a temp tatoo. It came out crappy, but its still sweet. Man, I went to work after dinner, and then, I went to Target. It was neat. I had to buy a super cool gift for an exchange. I got fuckin' rockem sockem robots. Man, COOOOOL, I know. We got to Dane's house and his parents were taking Cara to the hospital because she couldn't breathe and she was crying and shit. They took off and that was it. Shortly after, I went home. This comedian on Tough Crowd said that drunk drivers always get the blame and that Mothers Against Drunk Driving could also be called Mothers Of Children Who Don't Look Both Ways Before Crossing The Street. It was soooo fricken hillarious. Man, it made me... almost pee. Yeah, almost. Dang, I want to take a shower and go to sleep. I shall do so. Mmmmhmmm. Thats my choice of actions, and so they shall pass. Goodnight to all. Man, Tara rocks Rockem Sockem Robots and my sock!!!!!!!!!!!!

How could she not know who he is?!?!

Yup, today was kind of slow. I went to school as usual and was all wiggy. I didn't really want to be there, but being the responsible person I am, I decided not to feign illness to stay home. I guess, Ms Beeson never asked Jenny to help me babysit, so I was going to have to take care of them alone. Not as fun. It is always nice to have company. I really don't like being alone. It sucks. I'll get back to this topic later.Tara and I were hanging out at lunch and I asked her to come with me to Beeson's. There, Danny Casillas finally got to see her. He's been wanting to see who she is and stuff, so yeah. I went to work after lunch, and I felt kinda oogie at work. I wasn't totally up to par. Man, I felt cold and my tummy was totally iffy. I knew that if I ate anything too heavy, I'd probably hurl. So, I had to be careful. Yup. It was Lera's, the 86 year old woman in our office, birthday. So, there was cake. I had to stay away from that. I don't want to get all fat. Mmm Mmm. I finally just left work around 5 thirty-ish, and I took Dane home. When I got home there was a message from Keja. So, I had to scramble to find a person to come with me. I called and Jenny wasn't there, Tara didn't answer, so, I called Katie. She agreed and it was cool. We took care of them and Honor was all goofy again. She was poking Katie's boobs. It was pretty funny. Her reasoning was, "I play with my mommy's boobs!" Chase was all bratty. He was supposed to do his HW, though he kept watching TV. Steps were taken. Yes, they were. After they fell asleep, Katie and I watched "Cowboy Bebop", the greatest anime EVER! It was cool. When I told her that Spike, the main bounty-hunter, had his fighting style based on that of Bruce Lee's, she said, "Who's that?" I almost yelled, OMG, I was astounded that she has NO idea who he is/was. She still isn't sure, but man, it's amazing how some people aren't as well rounded or really knowledgeable as others. She would probably be very difficult to play Taboo with. Like JUSTIN!!! Man, that guy sucks at it. Oh well. I took her home and she wouldn't take any money. I didn't really want it and I would have felt better if she took it, but she refused repeatedly. Oh well. Got home around 11:20-ish and now I'm here checking E-Mail and updating. Thats me and my day. So, goodnight. Tara rocks my socks!!!!

So, my day was all wiggy busy...

Man, today I had to get to the hospital and take care of my fricken presidential pain in the ass duties. It was dumb. Oh well. At least I got to eat some Mickey Dees. Yum! Too much Micky Dee can make one sick. I brought Tara an Über grande Diet Coke. She said she guzzled it in P.E. and had to go PEE. It was pretty funny. Not a shock. Caffeine is a diuretic. So, it is to be expected that one who drinks large amounts of fluids with caffeine will have their moment of drinking ensued by a need to urinate. Yup. So, blah I'm a nerd.Man I want to see "Big Fish." Ewan McGregor is the greatest. I love dat guy. I love Moulin Rouge, actually. Thats a whole 'nother story though. Man, that movie looks sooo great. It's by Tim Burton, so it has to be cool. I felt all tardy cuz of yesterday. Tara wanted a real real kiss. It was dumb. I was all dense and I didn't realize it till later. Man. I am really dumb. I would have loved to have kissed her . Oh well. I know I already mentioned this, but I asked her and it was confirmed. So, yup. My self loathing has digi-volved to a new level. Man, I'm lame.So, I went to work and it was lame-o. I didn't work half the time. I spent lots of the time taking care of my scholarship thing. Crapola. I hope the deadline hasn't passed. Bastards. Mrs. Thompson was still on a warpath. I tried to stay out of her way. It turns out that Ms. Beeson wants me to babysit Tue night with Jenny. We'll see how that goes. I hope that its fun again. Oh well. Maybe if Jen-Jen can't go, Tara can. Probably not though. Crap on her parents. Vanessa Murray called me today. She is my ex from like 8th grade year. She was really cool, but we broke up cuz we were young and got bored. She lives in Texas now and she still calls every once in a while. Yup. It was nice to talk about things. She asked about the people here she remembers. Its good to hear from her. Just to know she's still alive. haha, balogna. Yup.Tara asked me a few Q's about Cristen. They were some "Don't Feel Stupid" questions. I'm glad she asked. I don't like to have crap like that, skeletons, between me and other people. I like blunt people. It's nice. Yup. I couldn't really think of any other questions to ask other than the would-be kiss. So yeah.At like 9:3o-sumthin', she had to go, so we hung up. I really wish we could've talked for a longer amount of time. Oh well. Crap on moms. A lot of crap happened today. So, that's that. Bleh. I feel like that's a lot. I can't wait to see Tara tomorrow. She really makes or breaks my day. She's my babe. As usual, TARA ROCKS MY SOCKS!!!

That's why Sundays suck...

When Dane and I arrived at his house, his mother was still on the path too often taken. After a skirmish with Dane, him and I went to his room. I picked up Deanna's "Cowboy Bebop" movies. Man, I love that series. Damn. Its great. Ed and Ein are sooooo crazy!!! Came home and ate AGAIN! Man, I'm really fat. I hate it. I know I have potential to be really attractive, but my motivation is low and my free time is as well. So, I have to live in this horrible carcass. Crap.Tara and I, ... and Justin, went to the park and hung out. I had to chase Justin after he started throwing crap at me and was all calling me "Hippie." It was pretty funny. I was ready to body slam him, but that might not have gone over well with Ty. Poo on Justin. Bastard Dumb-Nut!!! Well, after he accused me of thinking about Tara's panties, he pretended to lick the lucas/urine/sweat scented pole. I then took the two to Donut Ave. Twas grand. I had a nummy apple donut thing. Yay! I got to DDR. It was cool. Shared a sweet tea with Tara. We talked about how cracked out Justin is and shit. It was pretty enjoyable. I bought him like 3 donuts or so. I think he's going to stay up for hours tonight. Oh well, not my kid. Zach showed up about 8 or so. My dad was being dumb and limited my night of fun to only 8:30. Crap-ola. So, 8:15 rolls around and I load up Tara, Justin and Zach (in the back, poor guy) and we had to be all speedy to take the two home. Tara a kissed me goodbye as usual, though it was different. There was a pause and an almost waiting on her part. I wonder if she wanted a real kiss. I didn't want to assume, so I kept myself from doing more than a peck. I mean, there's always next time. So, I rushed over to drop off Zach and then came home. The rest is history. For all the bad things in the day, thats why Sundays suck more than any other day of the week. Dose Damm Domingos!!!<== Mexican TalkAnyway, Tara rocks my mis-matched socks!!!!

Yup. I wish I was a FFA person.

Well, my day began at 2:45 in the morning. I was woken up to take the Jew to her trip. First we hit Circle K and then we go to the classroom. We were there before Mo even opened the gate. We are prudent peopolies, my sis and I. So, yeah. I got to see Tara fora very small amount of time, but whatever. I didn't die. I did nearly freeze though. I had to walk all the way around the stupid block to get to my truck. Mr. Mo felt that he needed to lockup all the gates. Damn crazy fool. He is truly a foolish foe. So, Tara and I said bye and I left. I didn't want to be all "lost puppy" and follow her to her van and like watch it drive off, so I just left. I really wish I could've gone. I would have loved to have spent fricken 24 hours with Tara. Thats a lot of cool time. Julia's lucky she got that opportunity with Simon. She is really reaping the benefits of being the second born. I was the first to test the waters, so I was like severely restricted. I'm glad that this year I am allowed to do a lot more. Its nice.I also hope that I take what I learned from failures in the past and avoid making any mistakes with Tara. Respect, Patience, Total Acceptance and Flexibility are what I hope to practice. So far so good.I enjoy Tara lots. She's neato. Anyhoo, at 8 the rest of the day began. I got to help outside and crap until about 2:30. I hated it at the beginning and end. I got over it, but still. I was in no mood to fucking do MORE work. Thats almost all I fucking do alllllll week. I was desperately looking for something to do outside of sitting around the house. I tried Zach, Jenny and Deanna. Deanna was the only one to come through. We went to the arcade for a few hours and ate donut holes. They were really good. I lovedid them. I had sweet tea too.After that, I went to Deanna's parents house to attend a party that Zach would hopefully arrive at. I hug out with: Jason, Brisa, Deanna, Cynthia, Christine, Justin, Adam and Nam. All people I met through the Brigs. It was fun. There was lots of beer and cigs. I partook in none of that jazz. It was all about the Dr. Pepper and Pollo Asado. Yum. After D and I decided that Z would never come, we went with Jason to Nina's house. There we watched "Monster Garage" and played Taboo. I really hate playing games with people with small vocabularies or those who suck at giving/receiving clues. It was torture due to the foolish JUSTIN!!!! He is so dense and frustrating. Man, I don't like that guy. He's alright, but no where near an acceptable inteligence for me. I always feel like I'm having to use small words with him and not talk about things that are too complicated or old. In Taboo, the word was "Yoko Ono", and I gave him all the right clues, but he still didn't know who the hell I was talking about. I was soooo mad. I hated being his partner. I came home at like 11-ish expecting to wait for Julia's call, but alas, she was delivered by her Romeo. Yup. Today would have been a nice Tara day. crap. Oh well. Better luck next time.

I miss the adrenaline!

Well, today was ok. As usual. Not awesome, but not horrible. It comes with being Matt. Tara made my existence better. Its good to have someone. I enjoy her being around. School was alright. I played vice city in Ms. Slom's class. It was neat. I also had a nice time in Beeson's. It wasn't all grading and it wasn't tense. Little's class was boring. Liz Lizaraga came in. Nothing but her contradicting herself left and right. It was sooo lame. Lunch sucked too. Tara wasn't there to chill. She went to a lame-o meeting. So, I was left alone with the peopolies. It sucked; No Mike, Jenny or Tara. Zach was distracted by something. So, I just left. I had a heart to heart with my mommy. Yes! My mommy! GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT!!!! Well, thats you.It sucked further. Yes it did. Tara couldn't go with me to the movies OR to the Duel with me. I went to see The Haunted Mansion. It was great. Could've been better for obvious reasons, though they weren't. I went to the duel and it sucked to not be able to wrestle. I really miss the rush and the pain. We won though. That felt good.Other minor events: we chilled on Zach's Driveway for a while, went to Donut Ave and danced twice, went to Sonic's for Zach's application and that was all. My day consisted of ok things and thats it. So, yup. I feel alright... not great though.