Dang I miss it...

Well, I haven't got the chance to write anything in the last few days due to my trip to West Covina. Man, it was nice to see mi familia. It has been a while since I really got to see most of them in the same place at once. Everyone is always too busy to visit their parents, my nana and tata. It was cool. I got a super cool messenger bag. It's of Jack. I got a System of a Down Tee and a Tool one. They're pretty sweet. You know what's really sad? I almost bought a "Ragdoll" bottle for 'her' w/o even thinking. Its difficult to let old habits go. Some things are too difficult to drop. While some people can just set up camp, tell tall tales, get the hopes of the leader up, and w/o so much as a farewell, they leave to another site and start again with their bullcrap treachery. I will never place that much trust in anything again. I hate talking about it, its still very painful. If Tara ever wanted to talk about it, it'd be helpful. Though, I don't think she can quite handle that load. Besides, I wouldn't want to put that between us. I don't know how much she likes me, at all. Obviously, she likes me enough to stay with me, but why? I am not fishing for compliments by any means, though I can't help but wonder why anyone would want to be with a wreck like me, for any amount of time. After 'she' and I filled our heads with false hopes and dreams, she burst every single one and left me with my broken wings. I wish I knew why angels have to fall. Fallen angels become demons that torture you till you wish for death or the unattainable peace that you once had.How is it that eventhough people all through the history of the world have been burned by faith in love, I still fell hard for the oldest trick in the book?!?!?! I refuse to put anyone through that crap. While some claim they have felt pain and they say that they have hurt for a longer amount of time, like say 2 years, think of this: I HAVE TO HURT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE KNOWING THAT ALL THAT HAPPENED AND ALL THAT WAS SHARED IN 2 YEARS HAS GONE TO WASTE!!!!!! All the firsts that a person can go through, EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TRIAL and tribulation has been overcome. I was told something very true by a dear friend. "The only real secret to a relationship that last forever is 2 people who will NEVER EVER give up." Those words are true and from what I've learned, even though you truly believe that the other person is in it as much as you are, they probably aren't. If it were true, then nothing would have happened in AZ at the BOA, but apparently, IT WAS ALLLLL BULLSHIT!!!! IT WAS A GOD DAMNED JOKE!!!!!!!! For that, I can never forgive.I have lots more to say, but I don't believe that this is the right place to clear my grief. So, fuck it. No one really reads this shit and no one who does, cares about me AT ALLLLL let alone enough to ask me how I am or if I will ever be ok. I hate being alone. I am. Its unavoidable. Fate wants me that way. Destiny likes to jerk me around and drop me from peaks. Everyday is just another failed attempt at flying to that place I was before reality (gravity) pulled me down and I was abandoned by the one I thought would love me forever. Sick sad irony huh? Thats why I refuse to get suckered again by anyone.Anyway, went to see Last Samurai. It was insanely great. Man, I loved it. I want a Kitana and I want to be trained in the way of the sword. Man, I would be a bad ass. Then, I would kill a few people... in bad ass style. Well, I'm really lame. I didn't walk Tara to her door. I really wanted to opportunity to just sit with her in the truck or anywhere and hold her or even be held. God knows I want her touch. I like her a lot. I wish I had her affection. I am with her so I am not alone, but I can't help but feel isolated when I am not receiving human contact. I wish I was with somone who likes me as much as I like them. Tara might be this person, but I'm too dumb to see it. Oh well. I hope things get better. I really like her, I want her attention and I want her affection. I'm tooooo much of a whiner and I ask for too much. When will I learn that everntually, everything is a lie and I'll just get hurt again. I don't want love anymore. It doesn't exist to me anymore. It died on Nov. 1. Fuck it. I just want acceptance and affection. Thats too much to ask for though. I'm lucky to even find a person to be with. I'm thankful for Tara and all that she does, so I will do all in my power to get her to like me and to keep her. Maybe I will eventually find someone for whom all that I can give and all that I am is good enough for. For Cris in the end, all that I could possibly give wasn't good enough. I believe history will repeat itself and I'll be alone again. Oh well. Live for the moment, though you may be dying inside. I wish I had love...