Mi dia...

I was going through CD’s today and I got totally freaked out because I was looking through my case and I found two that didn’t have names and I couldn’t remember what they were, and so, I played them. I was much surprised to find that the CD’s were all rap and other horrible crap and that I didn’t have any idea where they came from. It was lame. They sucked really bad. I mean, they were like listening to an entire Usher, Puff Daddy and other tards album. Man, it was lame. Enough talk of the lame CD. I can’t stand the rampant lame-ity Today, Tara started off in a somewhat distant mood. She was all “I better go,” when the bell rang. I was like , “Oh, ok.” It was sad. I didn’t know what happened. I still don’t. I feared that something happened and she was bad at me. So, I went through my other classes with that in the back of my mind, and I had the *Live In Texas* album in my mind. Man that’s a highly recommended album and DVD for any person who is a Linkin Park fan. Dang, I could just watch Chester sing his insane range of voice for hours. The list of songs is pretty righteous. Man, its yummy. Anyhoo, I was alarmed by a horrible grade in English. So, I couldn’t focus in class. I had Tara, Chester, Slom, and a lame character in the story named *T* on my mind. It was nuts. Oh well. I got to Beeson and I couldn’t focus on that either. I had to grade some tests and I was once again shown how ignorant underclassmen can be. They are pretty irresponsible. It’s good to see. *When I look into your eyes, there’s nothing there to see. Nothing but my own mistakes staring back at me. Asking WHYYYYYYYYYY!!!* Yeah. That’s another great song. I was puzzled in Econ by the retarded nature of Captain Jack. We had to watch a tape for the entire period about how to fill out tax forms. It was better than most for the mere fact that it wasn’t a worn out 30 year-old tape. Jah. I wrote Tara a note in that class and I was still wondering what was bothering her. At lunch, I had to run to Donut Ave to pick up some Redbulls for JT and Renny. I didn’t really get too psyched about how they tasted. It wasn’t horrible, though it wasn’t good enough to spend 2 bucks a pop on. Nope. Its way smaller than a soda can too. It’s pretty ridiculous. It looks like pee too. I left to eat and DDR after that, and I did. Oh yes. I DDR’ed. I DDR’ed good. I saw Tony Ojeda, Leo Perez and Andy Boy there. It was cool. Long, though cool. Went with my mom to pick my sisters up and then I went to school AGAIN to work on some slom crap. Tara gave me a note that told me not to worry. I wasn’t the root of her mood. It was a relief. Man, I’m a pessimistic Realist. Yeah. So, I apologize. I saw Jenny in Slom’s with John. We schmoozed and then we left. I visited my beloved friends in practice and I went home. There, I took the video’s to the store, checked with Esty and was let down, rented Johnny English and Freddy Vs. Jason. It was busy-ish. I went to pick up the pizza, ate pizza and watched English, called my Tara and had a nice convo. I watched Freddy and I am now here. I guess that’s it. Dang man… I mean, what are you like crap for brains or something? Well, I guess yours truly must depart. I hope tomorrow is prodigious!!! Sexy Tara rocks my crazy socks!!!! *Cheers* Mateo-Bad

A quiz that I tried.

I am Mattie the Orange Cat!I am good at absoloutlyEVERYTHING!Every beanie baby likes me,I am verykind and have mountains of friends. Even thoughI am good at everything,I do not ever show off.I am very playful,hyper and ready to doanything!I love a good adventure!What TY Beanie Baby are you? brought to you by Quizilla

Man, Tara-less is terrible...

I am writing this about everything from this weekend, so it might be long. Oh well. I went to school on Friday and I was anxious to see Tara as usual. So, that wasn’t anything new. I had to take really retarded tests in a few classes and just do some lame-o work in others. Bleh, I really dislike school. During lunch I was with Tara and I had to leave early though. It was dumb. Grrrr. Man, I hate that I can’t ever have enough time with Tara to really get to be content. It was nice to spend time with her none-the-less. I left Dar with my Nny book and I guess it got wet. I was kinda grrr when I heard. I know that its gonna look all crappy warpy and bumpy. Damn. I figure I’ll just buy a new one and probably give the old one to Dar. He’d appreciate it warpy or not. I got Squee’s book recently too, so I am happy for the moment. Man, I love Jhonen’s works. I like drawing his stuff too. It’s simplistic detail. It looks very easy, but it has a lot of textures and little cracks and detail everywhere, yup. Anyway, I had to go home so soon because I had to clean the damn house to make it look immaculate for mis abuelos when they came on Sat. My mom helped me and we cleaned everything. It was really uber clean. So, I went to Zach’s house around 430 or so. We waited around for people to come while we setup the stereo and the table. We also eagerly awaited permission to turn on the Dino-Jump. Man, that thing was soooo awesome. After some time, Ross, and Christine came. They are alright. I was just waiting for Tara to come. I really was looking forward to getting to spend some time with her somewhere where we didn’t have to worry about teachers or parents. It was nice for us to get to be “us” and comfy together. I loved it. Tara was very affectionate and cute. She is so beautiful. I want to be so close to her whenever she’s around. She is the neatest. We talk about all kinds of cool stuff. She is an extremely good conversationalist at times. Other times, I’m just glad to be near her.
I care about Tara sooo much. It’s really surprising. I don’t know exactly how to articulate it right. I like her so much that when I’m not with her, I think about her constantly. I just think and wish that she were there. I think about her killer blue eyes, her soft lips and just the awesome feeling I get when I’m with her. I can never get enough of her. I always want to stay. I never leave on time. I always stay till the last possible second. I loved our time together at the party. I found myself at a loss for words. I couldn’t say anything. I was head over heals for her. I was in heaven staring into her eyes. And feeling the comfort of knowing that even if it was gonna be different tomorrow, at least we had the chance to be with each other and just feel so very accepted. I don’t know what to say. I have her on my mind and I would drop anything to spend time with her. She deserves it. I want to share so much with her. I sincerely hope that she cares and feels that same for me. I hope that she can at least understand how I feel. I am really prepared to be rejected or to find out that she doesn’t feel the same, but whatever. I hope for the best.
I have lots of things on my mind lots of things to say, but all of it is to her. I wish we could have a day of us, a day where we were totally at ease and we could talk about anything and everything. We could be close w/o being bothered by other people.
So, I had fun with Tara at the party. Then, I had to take her home. We hung out in my truck for a while after we got there. Just more time alone to be us. I went beck to the party and I ended up having to take Jenny home. It wasn’t a prob at all, so yeah, I didn’t mean it to sound like it was. Zach and I jumped off his roof onto the Dino-Jump. It was soooo uber radical. Man, it is something to try again. I got up late on sat morn. I did a few chores and watched some Bebop. I did lots of thinking about everything from Tara to Bass back to Tara. Man, I have her on my mind all the time. I hope that doesn’t bother her. I don’t want to freak her out. If it bothers her, I wish she would talk to me about it.
That’s on thing we don’t do. We don’t talk much about our relationship. We talk about lots of other stuff, just not us. I wish I was able to talk to her about everything. She is very deserving to know all about me. I would have no problem letting her into the beehive that is my mind.
I greeted my abuelos on Sat and I went to dinner with my entire family w/o Tara… L. Yeah, it was sad. I didn’t know what happened to her. It turns out she was ok after all. But, I still missed her. It was quite sad. Man. I saw Esty there and he said that when he goes to SD today, he would look for a bunch of HIM crap for me. Buckle and whatever else. I have my fingers crossed. Dang, it would be cool.
I went home and had a pretty deep convo with Tara about the previous night and I felt better. It was really good to hear from her. I had to go to bed and she had to go, so we had to quit our convo. Dang. I got up early for church today and went. At church, I was reading the bulletin and I forgot to get the eucharist. It was really weird. I went home for a few, then to Dane’s. I took Cara to Keja’s house to babysit and chatted with her for a while. I went to work, called Tara talked for a few, worked, picked up Cara, went home and called Tara. We talked and it was nice as usual, but I wonder a lot about a lot of things. Too important to just post for anyone to see. So, yeah. I am doin’ my laundry and I am getting ready for bed, so Jah. Man, I can’t wait to see my babe mañana. Until then, I’ll keep her on my mind. Mmmmm …donuts… I mean … TARA!!! YAY!!!
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-Matt the hopeful fool

That's me, I guess.

Which Unwanted Sexual Gesture Are You?

Creepy

You have a dominant kiss- you take charge and makesure your partner can feel it! Done artfully,it can be very satisfactory if he/she is intoyou playing the dominant role MEORW! What kind of kiss are you? brought to you by Quizilla I guess thats me. I wouldn't know. Ask Tara. I just go with the flow. Man, I love that song. Queens of the stoneage are neato skeeto. Oh, jah. Man, speaking of that hooker face, I guess Dane flicked Hazel's ear; because, I had told him to do so at the x-mas party. When Hazel asked why he did it, he said "Matt told me to." I guess Oh-Jah and Jon were there... fuckin' moochers... and Christen's eyes darted around all pathetically hopeful and she was like, "What?!?! Matt's here? Where's he at?!" Hazel, Noemi, Doc Kelly and Dane all said the same thing. It was really fuckin' sad. I really am scared by that beast. I was glad to have gone to Tar-jea today and not see her fugly ass for once. I'll write more later... SO, until next time Rangers!!!!

My Character!!!

Strong Bad. Wow, you're evil! But that's okay!You're pretty much everyones favorite despiteyour evil ways! Just try not to be so mean toyour siblings or peers! Which character are you from homestarrunner.com? brought to you by Quizilla

Man, I don't know what's up.

I want to apologize to my babe. I have been in a very indifferent mood. I just haven't been pleased with the last few days. It obviously shows. I'm just an ass and I need to get over this shitty mood. I promise to try hard tomorrow. You probably won't read this, but at least its here to be recorded and verify that I promised. I'm glad you're so cool and I wouldn't want to cause problems, so yeah. When you were here before, couldn't look you in the eyeYou're just like an angel, your skin makes me cryYou float like a featherIn a beautiful worldI wish I was specialYou're so fucking special.Ok, thats out of the way. I value Tara and I hope she dittos. ;0)As mentioned before, I was kinda shitty today. Tara got here late and I didn't make much effort to kiss her hello. Damn. She was in better spirits before fourth on her way to Petey's class. Got a kiss there. It was nice. At lunch I lied down as usual and she picked up that I wasn't in too great of a mood, so she kept her distance. I just left to go to work then and when I got there, the instagator Hazel had gone home sick. So, my victim wasn't there. It was boring. Mrs. Thompson told me that I had to wear white socks to work now. Dang. I'm gonna miss wearing my mismatching calsetinas to work. So, I called Tara before I left work and she was in a near nappy state. A little groggy. Yup. That was her. I told her that I would call later, but alas when I called around 8:30 she was already sleeping and probably wouldn't wake till the morning. Oh well, crap on me. I live on a dark world with stars that are soooo bright and desireable that I envy the dismal sky that hugs the hopes and dreams in those lights sooo tightly. I stay up late pondering the paths I've sauntered and look at what lessons I can learn from them. Although most of these lessons were learned the hard way with much pain and distress, I must take what I can from them; So, as not to repeat the lamentable suffering. One of these stars, the farthest and most ridiculous of these lights, is the hope to find love again one day. Some things are only to be experienced once. One of the less meaningful of these is the chickenpox illness. One of the most noted is love. It is far away and not on my mind. It won't be for A WHILE. Till the day I reach out beyond the lightyears for love, I reach for closer desires. I would like someone to like me as much as I like them. I would like acceptance and affection. I would like to feel the life I used to feel. I try to keep my head up and my eyes on the stars, but I can't help and look down to the ground at the rubble I'm surrounded by. It suffocates me and through it all I can see my broken wings. They are shattered and I cut myself on angel's hair. I have to see through my current state and rise above the flame. I look to my inspiration... Tara. Thats how I feel. I have a lot to say. I have lots of thoughts and feelings. I just don't know if Tara will be scared away by them. I don't know and I don't wish to find out bad enough to risk losing her. SOOOOOO, yup.I am tired. I have to take a shower, get clothes ready, get up early and go to Work Experience in the morning. So, I'll see or hear from you all later. Goodnight and uhhh, take care.

Well, today was errr yeah.

Well, today I was fuckin' cold. Freakishly cold. I got to school and things were all bleh. It was pretty great how Ren and Mick were wearing essentially the same outfit. At school it was like couples were magnetically repulsive. I was standing with Mick and a few others while JT and Tina were in another group... eventually we were both alone. I felt like couples are just left alone to do their thing and no one else wants to feel like a third wheel, so they disperse. Dang. It was lame-o. I don't think Tara liked that. It was like a thing that makes you say, "Oh, right. Things are different when you're a couple. Crap on this." Man, I'm very pessimistic. More than I knew. I always have things going on in my head. Lots of debating with my depressed side. I fight it. I have a lot of shit that makes me want to say "Fuck it all!" Pretty lame, I know. But thats what makes me always assume the worst. I always think that Tara has found a reason not to like me. There are plenty-o-reasons, but I can hope to change.It was pretty funny in first period because Shaw and Casillas were messin' around and capping on eachother. Andreas was laughing at Wilfred and things were right again. It was cool. In Slom's we just fucked around and it was kickback. In, Keja Love's I graded Semester Projects. It was quick work. Oh-Jah. Cris commented on my Jack bag. I'm surprised she didn't say anything about my sic SOAD shirt. A lot of people noticed and commented on my buckle. Man, its neat-o. I love it.I love:1. Bluntness2. The Flash3. System Of A Down4. Red Hot Chili Peppers5. Being myself with good friends6. Having deep convos with Mick, Kyle and Deanna7. Nny8. Squee9. The Life Of Brian10. Voltaire11. Playing Bass12. Comfy Jeans13. Black Shirts14. Affection15. People who say what they mean and stand by their words16. My Messenger Bag17. Thinking18. Wrestling19. Trying to make my life better everyday20. MUSICThat's that. Yup. I hope things go better. I went to a Jr. Aux meeting today. I was el presidente and I went to work too. After the kinda bleh meeting, Lexie, Brittany and I went to McDonald's and watched Ron watching us. Bum BUM!!! Got bored and went to Donut Ave. Saw Jay there and his mom. Said hi and then I DDR'd with Nick Arambula. Zach showed up and we discussed his possible B-Day thing this Friday. I think D and I are gonna get him THUG. He wants it and we want him to have a Dino Jump at his party. So, its a compromise. We'll see if she agrees. I think she will. I got home and called Tara. We talked for almost an hour. I hope things go better tomorrow at school. Things go much better when we're alone at home or in the truck or anywhere but school.Tommy on 3rd Rock From The Sun was kissed by this chick and she left him all "I was just checking if you were gay." Then she walked away. He was all let down and he said, "Hey, don't start the motor if you can't mow the lawn!" It was great. And Topher Grace is being called Mr. Nude. It's pretty funny.Thats all my rambling for today. Till next time my small audience. Tara Rocks My Sexy Socks.Your Truly,Mateo the Morbid

Well, its been a while.

Ok, I wrote a lot of crap about two nites ago, but shit happens and oh well. The internet ate it and deleted it. I was too pissed to write it all over again. Man it was a lot. Well. I ended up going back to LA on X-Mas. I got 6 fuckin' awesome CDs and a Deftones shirt. It's kuh-razee cool. I got to hang out with my cousin Franklin and I got to ride my first quad. It was cool. A little difficult, but it got easier. For my *virgin* ride, it went smoothly. Yup. I think that every night I was up there, I called Tara. So, she was my link to sanity. I love my family, but man, they're a bunch of crazy cats. While I was up there, my uncle made some Gumbo. It was soooo goooood. Man, I loved it. It wasn't spicy really at all, but all the wieners in my family were suffering. They couldn't hang. They underestimated the 50 million ingredients in the gumbo. Anyway bleh.It was good to see Tara when I got back. We went to my aunt virg's house and ate. It was cool and then we hit the arcade. So, yup. I enjoyed my time with her. A lot of other crap happened, but I am all BLEH. I will just write about yesterday and today I think. Well, yesterday after I got up, I worked with papa till 12 and then about 1 Stu called and wanted to chill. So, I went over and before I did, I ran into Jon from Esty's group of friends. WE chatted for a few, but thats it. Went to Stu's and played his new X-Box. Its neato. Jah. We helped his dad work on his car. Fish came over and then we played some tunes. I went to the movies with Tara to go see Paycheck. It was jawsome. Man, I thought it was pretty creative. Tara gave me these EYES during the movie. They were pretty and I liked them. She just looked at me then we locked eyes. It was quite something. I'm not sure what it was, but it was something. Tara and I went to Sonic's for some Beverages. Then we went and heard a pretty cooool song by Fish and Stu. I had to take her home shortly after but I returned to Stu's we hung out till 2315 or so. I rushed home and crashed. Today, I got up and worked outside for a while, I tried to call Tara, but it was in vain for a long time. I just hung around eventually. I talked to Cris for about an hour about *crap* and then I was in a super horrible mood after that. I called Tara and she was going to go to Jenny's house to sleepover. I was all *Oh... nevermind.* I could've used someone to talk to. But, who am I to complain. The fact that I have anyone is a miracle and I should be thankful. I miss the guys. I miss Mick, Zach, JT, Renn and John. Oh well. I have to wait a few more days to see mi crew. Arrggh!!! Kiss me, I'm a pirate! yup. well. err. Oh, went to the Vid Store and I talked to D. I got to see Nina and Jason. They were pretty cool to see. Then went to the D-Ave w/her and them. After a while it was just us and we talked a good convo. She's always very helpful and wise. So, yeah. We talked life and our significant others. Then I came home. Here I am. All loser-ish and loner-ish. I'll call my Tara mañana and I have to work too!! crap. Dane returns tomorrow though it will be late and too late to work. So, I'll be a loner. Yipee...fuckers. Well, yours truly must get his usual 5 hours of sleep, so here I go. Good night I say and live well. Tara makes me smile.

Dang I miss it...

Well, I haven't got the chance to write anything in the last few days due to my trip to West Covina. Man, it was nice to see mi familia. It has been a while since I really got to see most of them in the same place at once. Everyone is always too busy to visit their parents, my nana and tata. It was cool. I got a super cool messenger bag. It's of Jack. I got a System of a Down Tee and a Tool one. They're pretty sweet. You know what's really sad? I almost bought a "Ragdoll" bottle for 'her' w/o even thinking. Its difficult to let old habits go. Some things are too difficult to drop. While some people can just set up camp, tell tall tales, get the hopes of the leader up, and w/o so much as a farewell, they leave to another site and start again with their bullcrap treachery. I will never place that much trust in anything again. I hate talking about it, its still very painful. If Tara ever wanted to talk about it, it'd be helpful. Though, I don't think she can quite handle that load. Besides, I wouldn't want to put that between us. I don't know how much she likes me, at all. Obviously, she likes me enough to stay with me, but why? I am not fishing for compliments by any means, though I can't help but wonder why anyone would want to be with a wreck like me, for any amount of time. After 'she' and I filled our heads with false hopes and dreams, she burst every single one and left me with my broken wings. I wish I knew why angels have to fall. Fallen angels become demons that torture you till you wish for death or the unattainable peace that you once had.How is it that eventhough people all through the history of the world have been burned by faith in love, I still fell hard for the oldest trick in the book?!?!?! I refuse to put anyone through that crap. While some claim they have felt pain and they say that they have hurt for a longer amount of time, like say 2 years, think of this: I HAVE TO HURT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE KNOWING THAT ALL THAT HAPPENED AND ALL THAT WAS SHARED IN 2 YEARS HAS GONE TO WASTE!!!!!! All the firsts that a person can go through, EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TRIAL and tribulation has been overcome. I was told something very true by a dear friend. "The only real secret to a relationship that last forever is 2 people who will NEVER EVER give up." Those words are true and from what I've learned, even though you truly believe that the other person is in it as much as you are, they probably aren't. If it were true, then nothing would have happened in AZ at the BOA, but apparently, IT WAS ALLLLL BULLSHIT!!!! IT WAS A GOD DAMNED JOKE!!!!!!!! For that, I can never forgive.I have lots more to say, but I don't believe that this is the right place to clear my grief. So, fuck it. No one really reads this shit and no one who does, cares about me AT ALLLLL let alone enough to ask me how I am or if I will ever be ok. I hate being alone. I am. Its unavoidable. Fate wants me that way. Destiny likes to jerk me around and drop me from peaks. Everyday is just another failed attempt at flying to that place I was before reality (gravity) pulled me down and I was abandoned by the one I thought would love me forever. Sick sad irony huh? Thats why I refuse to get suckered again by anyone.Anyway, went to see Last Samurai. It was insanely great. Man, I loved it. I want a Kitana and I want to be trained in the way of the sword. Man, I would be a bad ass. Then, I would kill a few people... in bad ass style. Well, I'm really lame. I didn't walk Tara to her door. I really wanted to opportunity to just sit with her in the truck or anywhere and hold her or even be held. God knows I want her touch. I like her a lot. I wish I had her affection. I am with her so I am not alone, but I can't help but feel isolated when I am not receiving human contact. I wish I was with somone who likes me as much as I like them. Tara might be this person, but I'm too dumb to see it. Oh well. I hope things get better. I really like her, I want her attention and I want her affection. I'm tooooo much of a whiner and I ask for too much. When will I learn that everntually, everything is a lie and I'll just get hurt again. I don't want love anymore. It doesn't exist to me anymore. It died on Nov. 1. Fuck it. I just want acceptance and affection. Thats too much to ask for though. I'm lucky to even find a person to be with. I'm thankful for Tara and all that she does, so I will do all in my power to get her to like me and to keep her. Maybe I will eventually find someone for whom all that I can give and all that I am is good enough for. For Cris in the end, all that I could possibly give wasn't good enough. I believe history will repeat itself and I'll be alone again. Oh well. Live for the moment, though you may be dying inside. I wish I had love...

Mmmmhmmm

Today was cool. It started awesome. I got an Über cool gift from Tara. YAY!! It consisted of The Doors Legacy Album and a fuckin' cool Lobster Pillow. Man, I am so totally sleeping with that pillow. Yeah. Lucky pillow. In Shaw-diddy's class, I just messed around like usual. It was cool. Slom tried to get all crazy. It was dumb. She was mad cuz we were watching this guy's video of himself beating Super Mario 3 on NES in 10 minutes and 50 seconds. It is so damn crazy. I mean, he cheated, but its still cool. How did he cheat, you may ask. Well, the guy played the game on an emulator for the computer. On emulators, there is an option known as "frame rate", this pretty much is how fast it goes. Frames are the stills that are combined to make a movie. Like the pages of a cartoon flip book. In average home videos, its about 29-35 frames per second. In video games its a little lower. If a person alters it to be like 5 frames per second, it will be in vary sloooooww motion. This person did just this. When he displays the video, however, he plays it in normal real frames. This creates the illusion that he beat the game in 11 minutes roughly, but at that rate, it took him about an hour. None the less, to beat the game that quick is still an accomplishment. So, yup. So anyhoo in Beeson's, it was kickback and nice. In Little's class, we watched "Frontier House"... score!!!! Man, I love that show soooo much. Its fricken awesome. Anyway, lunch was better. I lied on the bench like I normally do when I'm kind of tired, and Tara decided it would be a good idea to straddle me. It was nice, but I couldn't help but be paranoid. I liked it a lot. It was crazy hot. Man, she's so hot. I hope she likes me as much as I like her. Wishful thinking. Yup. Anyways, we ended up on the grass lying down. It was all warm and nice. I didn't have to go to work, so I got to hang with my buds after school and I got to see my Tara. She couldn't go to Escalera's Su Casa with me, but I'm glad. Their food fucken sucked bad. God I hate their food. It is soooo nasty. So, I got a temp tatoo. It came out crappy, but its still sweet. Man, I went to work after dinner, and then, I went to Target. It was neat. I had to buy a super cool gift for an exchange. I got fuckin' rockem sockem robots. Man, COOOOOL, I know. We got to Dane's house and his parents were taking Cara to the hospital because she couldn't breathe and she was crying and shit. They took off and that was it. Shortly after, I went home. This comedian on Tough Crowd said that drunk drivers always get the blame and that Mothers Against Drunk Driving could also be called Mothers Of Children Who Don't Look Both Ways Before Crossing The Street. It was soooo fricken hillarious. Man, it made me... almost pee. Yeah, almost. Dang, I want to take a shower and go to sleep. I shall do so. Mmmmhmmm. Thats my choice of actions, and so they shall pass. Goodnight to all. Man, Tara rocks Rockem Sockem Robots and my sock!!!!!!!!!!!!

How could she not know who he is?!?!

Yup, today was kind of slow. I went to school as usual and was all wiggy. I didn't really want to be there, but being the responsible person I am, I decided not to feign illness to stay home. I guess, Ms Beeson never asked Jenny to help me babysit, so I was going to have to take care of them alone. Not as fun. It is always nice to have company. I really don't like being alone. It sucks. I'll get back to this topic later.Tara and I were hanging out at lunch and I asked her to come with me to Beeson's. There, Danny Casillas finally got to see her. He's been wanting to see who she is and stuff, so yeah. I went to work after lunch, and I felt kinda oogie at work. I wasn't totally up to par. Man, I felt cold and my tummy was totally iffy. I knew that if I ate anything too heavy, I'd probably hurl. So, I had to be careful. Yup. It was Lera's, the 86 year old woman in our office, birthday. So, there was cake. I had to stay away from that. I don't want to get all fat. Mmm Mmm. I finally just left work around 5 thirty-ish, and I took Dane home. When I got home there was a message from Keja. So, I had to scramble to find a person to come with me. I called and Jenny wasn't there, Tara didn't answer, so, I called Katie. She agreed and it was cool. We took care of them and Honor was all goofy again. She was poking Katie's boobs. It was pretty funny. Her reasoning was, "I play with my mommy's boobs!" Chase was all bratty. He was supposed to do his HW, though he kept watching TV. Steps were taken. Yes, they were. After they fell asleep, Katie and I watched "Cowboy Bebop", the greatest anime EVER! It was cool. When I told her that Spike, the main bounty-hunter, had his fighting style based on that of Bruce Lee's, she said, "Who's that?" I almost yelled, OMG, I was astounded that she has NO idea who he is/was. She still isn't sure, but man, it's amazing how some people aren't as well rounded or really knowledgeable as others. She would probably be very difficult to play Taboo with. Like JUSTIN!!! Man, that guy sucks at it. Oh well. I took her home and she wouldn't take any money. I didn't really want it and I would have felt better if she took it, but she refused repeatedly. Oh well. Got home around 11:20-ish and now I'm here checking E-Mail and updating. Thats me and my day. So, goodnight. Tara rocks my socks!!!!

So, my day was all wiggy busy...

Man, today I had to get to the hospital and take care of my fricken presidential pain in the ass duties. It was dumb. Oh well. At least I got to eat some Mickey Dees. Yum! Too much Micky Dee can make one sick. I brought Tara an Über grande Diet Coke. She said she guzzled it in P.E. and had to go PEE. It was pretty funny. Not a shock. Caffeine is a diuretic. So, it is to be expected that one who drinks large amounts of fluids with caffeine will have their moment of drinking ensued by a need to urinate. Yup. So, blah I'm a nerd.Man I want to see "Big Fish." Ewan McGregor is the greatest. I love dat guy. I love Moulin Rouge, actually. Thats a whole 'nother story though. Man, that movie looks sooo great. It's by Tim Burton, so it has to be cool. I felt all tardy cuz of yesterday. Tara wanted a real real kiss. It was dumb. I was all dense and I didn't realize it till later. Man. I am really dumb. I would have loved to have kissed her . Oh well. I know I already mentioned this, but I asked her and it was confirmed. So, yup. My self loathing has digi-volved to a new level. Man, I'm lame.So, I went to work and it was lame-o. I didn't work half the time. I spent lots of the time taking care of my scholarship thing. Crapola. I hope the deadline hasn't passed. Bastards. Mrs. Thompson was still on a warpath. I tried to stay out of her way. It turns out that Ms. Beeson wants me to babysit Tue night with Jenny. We'll see how that goes. I hope that its fun again. Oh well. Maybe if Jen-Jen can't go, Tara can. Probably not though. Crap on her parents. Vanessa Murray called me today. She is my ex from like 8th grade year. She was really cool, but we broke up cuz we were young and got bored. She lives in Texas now and she still calls every once in a while. Yup. It was nice to talk about things. She asked about the people here she remembers. Its good to hear from her. Just to know she's still alive. haha, balogna. Yup.Tara asked me a few Q's about Cristen. They were some "Don't Feel Stupid" questions. I'm glad she asked. I don't like to have crap like that, skeletons, between me and other people. I like blunt people. It's nice. Yup. I couldn't really think of any other questions to ask other than the would-be kiss. So yeah.At like 9:3o-sumthin', she had to go, so we hung up. I really wish we could've talked for a longer amount of time. Oh well. Crap on moms. A lot of crap happened today. So, that's that. Bleh. I feel like that's a lot. I can't wait to see Tara tomorrow. She really makes or breaks my day. She's my babe. As usual, TARA ROCKS MY SOCKS!!!

That's why Sundays suck...

When Dane and I arrived at his house, his mother was still on the path too often taken. After a skirmish with Dane, him and I went to his room. I picked up Deanna's "Cowboy Bebop" movies. Man, I love that series. Damn. Its great. Ed and Ein are sooooo crazy!!! Came home and ate AGAIN! Man, I'm really fat. I hate it. I know I have potential to be really attractive, but my motivation is low and my free time is as well. So, I have to live in this horrible carcass. Crap.Tara and I, ... and Justin, went to the park and hung out. I had to chase Justin after he started throwing crap at me and was all calling me "Hippie." It was pretty funny. I was ready to body slam him, but that might not have gone over well with Ty. Poo on Justin. Bastard Dumb-Nut!!! Well, after he accused me of thinking about Tara's panties, he pretended to lick the lucas/urine/sweat scented pole. I then took the two to Donut Ave. Twas grand. I had a nummy apple donut thing. Yay! I got to DDR. It was cool. Shared a sweet tea with Tara. We talked about how cracked out Justin is and shit. It was pretty enjoyable. I bought him like 3 donuts or so. I think he's going to stay up for hours tonight. Oh well, not my kid. Zach showed up about 8 or so. My dad was being dumb and limited my night of fun to only 8:30. Crap-ola. So, 8:15 rolls around and I load up Tara, Justin and Zach (in the back, poor guy) and we had to be all speedy to take the two home. Tara a kissed me goodbye as usual, though it was different. There was a pause and an almost waiting on her part. I wonder if she wanted a real kiss. I didn't want to assume, so I kept myself from doing more than a peck. I mean, there's always next time. So, I rushed over to drop off Zach and then came home. The rest is history. For all the bad things in the day, thats why Sundays suck more than any other day of the week. Dose Damm Domingos!!!<== Mexican TalkAnyway, Tara rocks my mis-matched socks!!!!

Yup. I wish I was a FFA person.

Well, my day began at 2:45 in the morning. I was woken up to take the Jew to her trip. First we hit Circle K and then we go to the classroom. We were there before Mo even opened the gate. We are prudent peopolies, my sis and I. So, yeah. I got to see Tara fora very small amount of time, but whatever. I didn't die. I did nearly freeze though. I had to walk all the way around the stupid block to get to my truck. Mr. Mo felt that he needed to lockup all the gates. Damn crazy fool. He is truly a foolish foe. So, Tara and I said bye and I left. I didn't want to be all "lost puppy" and follow her to her van and like watch it drive off, so I just left. I really wish I could've gone. I would have loved to have spent fricken 24 hours with Tara. Thats a lot of cool time. Julia's lucky she got that opportunity with Simon. She is really reaping the benefits of being the second born. I was the first to test the waters, so I was like severely restricted. I'm glad that this year I am allowed to do a lot more. Its nice.I also hope that I take what I learned from failures in the past and avoid making any mistakes with Tara. Respect, Patience, Total Acceptance and Flexibility are what I hope to practice. So far so good.I enjoy Tara lots. She's neato. Anyhoo, at 8 the rest of the day began. I got to help outside and crap until about 2:30. I hated it at the beginning and end. I got over it, but still. I was in no mood to fucking do MORE work. Thats almost all I fucking do alllllll week. I was desperately looking for something to do outside of sitting around the house. I tried Zach, Jenny and Deanna. Deanna was the only one to come through. We went to the arcade for a few hours and ate donut holes. They were really good. I lovedid them. I had sweet tea too.After that, I went to Deanna's parents house to attend a party that Zach would hopefully arrive at. I hug out with: Jason, Brisa, Deanna, Cynthia, Christine, Justin, Adam and Nam. All people I met through the Brigs. It was fun. There was lots of beer and cigs. I partook in none of that jazz. It was all about the Dr. Pepper and Pollo Asado. Yum. After D and I decided that Z would never come, we went with Jason to Nina's house. There we watched "Monster Garage" and played Taboo. I really hate playing games with people with small vocabularies or those who suck at giving/receiving clues. It was torture due to the foolish JUSTIN!!!! He is so dense and frustrating. Man, I don't like that guy. He's alright, but no where near an acceptable inteligence for me. I always feel like I'm having to use small words with him and not talk about things that are too complicated or old. In Taboo, the word was "Yoko Ono", and I gave him all the right clues, but he still didn't know who the hell I was talking about. I was soooo mad. I hated being his partner. I came home at like 11-ish expecting to wait for Julia's call, but alas, she was delivered by her Romeo. Yup. Today would have been a nice Tara day. crap. Oh well. Better luck next time.

I miss the adrenaline!

Well, today was ok. As usual. Not awesome, but not horrible. It comes with being Matt. Tara made my existence better. Its good to have someone. I enjoy her being around. School was alright. I played vice city in Ms. Slom's class. It was neat. I also had a nice time in Beeson's. It wasn't all grading and it wasn't tense. Little's class was boring. Liz Lizaraga came in. Nothing but her contradicting herself left and right. It was sooo lame. Lunch sucked too. Tara wasn't there to chill. She went to a lame-o meeting. So, I was left alone with the peopolies. It sucked; No Mike, Jenny or Tara. Zach was distracted by something. So, I just left. I had a heart to heart with my mommy. Yes! My mommy! GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT!!!! Well, thats you.It sucked further. Yes it did. Tara couldn't go with me to the movies OR to the Duel with me. I went to see The Haunted Mansion. It was great. Could've been better for obvious reasons, though they weren't. I went to the duel and it sucked to not be able to wrestle. I really miss the rush and the pain. We won though. That felt good.Other minor events: we chilled on Zach's Driveway for a while, went to Donut Ave and danced twice, went to Sonic's for Zach's application and that was all. My day consisted of ok things and thats it. So, yup. I feel alright... not great though.

It was very therapeutic.

Well, today I went to Dane's house and I guess I didn't get the memo. We weren't going to go to work today. There was a change of plans. Oh well. I was there and I had no where to go but home. Tara was still kinda in trouble... crap. Well, I feel responsible like I should have said, "Don't forget to tell your mom that I'm coming over!" Alas, I did not. So as a result, I was not permitted to inhabit Tara's front yard. All was not lost today. While at Dane's house, I wondered into Cara's room as I often do. This time instead of us picking on eachother, it was a nice one of our "every-so-often" convos about all the crap that has been happening in our lives. She talked about how Kyle is a damn sissy bitch. That was my choice of words, though what she said all pointed to that conclusion. He seems very immature and whiny. She always complains that he is whiny, moody and just a fricken baby. Oh well, I told her my part. I just told her that if she ever needed me to "take care" of him, I would. Just cause its her. I'm not normally a hitman for hire, though I do do favors for friends. She talked about him and their issues, I talked about whatever residual issues I have lingering in my closet of a head. I talked about things from the shittyness of life in general, to the perks *Tara*, to the people who are out to steal dreams, souls, hearts and others just to crush you *Cris*, and things that I miss and need. It was good to talk to someone about all this crap. I didn't want to dump all this crap that is "ME" unto Tara. I fear that she wouldn't be able to balance the weight of my crap with the burden of whatever issues she has. Not that I know of any, though I have my theories. Yeah, it was just what the Dr. Ordered... Dr. Pepper!! You make the world taste better. Yeah. Sorry. Just a remeniscient. Is that spelled right? Fuck it. This is my journal. I will be illiterate if I choose to be. Yeah, I loathe talking to my dad about people. Tara is one of them. He always refers to her as "The girl that was holding Julia's hand and skipping on registeration day?" It reall pisses me off. But eventually, the convo is gonna come up. It can't be avoided forever. After a while, he's going to threaten my time with her by asking Q's that I must answer if I want to be with her. He thinks he's soooo sneaky. He's not. Oh, well. She's great, screw those who don't see it.Geez, he's soooo nosey. He must watch me. I said that I was walking with Tara *reference to 3-4 period* and he thought I meant in the morning when I walked with Katie to the snack bar. He was all, "So, who's the blondie you were hanging out with?" It made me mad that he doesn't care to know until its too late. Yeah, thanks for the support AFTER my world crumbled to pieces and now I try to rebuild. I don't have plans for a Roman Empire, though plans can change in favorable conditions. Thats all I yearn to say. So long my audience of none... so I believe.

Tara rocks my socks

Well, today was nice and slow. I realize that everything today was nice and slow. I think it was specially set up for me today. I woke up all pathetic. I felt tired and shit. I just wanted to be a farm animal today. I wanted to lay in the sun and be lazy. At school, the world was slooowwww motion. Class dragged on for-EVER. I had to listen to Captain Jack ramble on about Pearl Harbor. Sooo, lame. I even bumped heads with 'im. I challenged Captain Jack. It was a near mutiny. I guess I can call myself Barboso now. I sat with Tara of course. Things are nice and slow between us. I like that. While I live for affection, its a nice change of speed. I think she's so über cool. I like talking to her. We just talk about total crap. We talk about things that get nothing done and have no purpose. I love that. I hated it when I couldn't talk about anything but important things. Things with Tara are stress free and they just fall together. I enjoy her presence. She's a very calming person and when she's hanging out with me, I feel content. I hope things stay this simple, nice and good. I can't type a whole lot. My fingers are sore and shit.

Yup.

Well, I couldn't update yesterday and crap cuz my dad is a Net-Miser and he swears that when I get online, I talk to some 49 year old man who lives in a basement in Jersey.He always says crap like,"Stop talking to that 17 year old girl in japan, its really a dirty old man pretending!" He doesn't grasp the concept that its possible to talk to people you actually know. I guess he hasn't heard of profiles and email addresses. Anyway, today was the first school day that Tara and I were actually together. It was nice, yet we didn't get much time ot hang out. I had to leave lunch early, as usual I guess. I hate that my dad won't let me stay for the gawd damm 40 minutes of lunch. I go to work for at least 4 hours after four hours of school. On some days, I even work 8 hours after school. I pleaded with him to let me stay, but he said "Grow UP!!" I told him that I really don't have to, not yet at least. I am a fuckin' senior and I get treated like I'm a damn person that only has to work. It sucks. My Senior-goodtime-kickback yearis being ruined by his attitude. Fuck it. Whatever. That was my daily dad rant, I'm better now. So, Tara looked really cute today... as usual I guess. I hate that I fricken pale in comparison. I wish I was as attractive as she is. I bet people look at us together and say, "What's that cute girl doing with that fat, bald beaner. But oh well, I'll just have to do something about that. Maybe if I exercise more. That could make more "cuter-er-er-er", but probably not. I am content though. As long as she likes me. But that raises another question. Why does she like me? This will plague my thoughts for a while. Eventually I'll get bored though. So yeah.I don't know if she's shy, not used to Public Displays of affection or what, but its ok. I think its cute. People just need time. Especially newbies. So, ok for now.

Oh well...

Tara's parents *cauMOMgh* refused to let her go anywhere tonight cuz it was too late. I don't even know Ty, yet she seems like she's a very crazy insecure woman. From what I'm told, her mom was a terrible mother, so she is trying to overcompensate by being TOO there for Tara. She wants to be involved with Tara's life, but she makes herself more of a nuisance than a pillar of wisdom or comfort. Oh well. I tried to see if Zach could go anywhere tonight, though his parents were the same... no dice. So, those are the problems with having younger friends. They are often more caged or restricted than yours truly. Geez. I have hopes that her mom will let her come to my house tomorrow for a party para mi prima. Los padres de ella no tienen dinero por su fiesta de compleaños. So, we decided to put one on for her. It should be cool. We'll see what happens mañana though. Thats as far as my hopes go... tomorrow. I must retire to my peach world, crap. I am a god among insects, no one will ever tell me different

Time rolls on...

Well, yesterday at about 5:20, I guess, Tara and I were talking and long story short, we're an "us". I like Tara a lot. We haven't actually hung out anywhere other than her front yard and school, yet I find myself enjoying her company. She's very easy to get along with and her sense of humor is priceless. Her overall personality is "Jawsome", thanks Renny, and she's super cute, as well. I am entering this relationship very cautiously. After the chaos of the last, I find myself very apprehensive. Its very good though. Tara is on the same page for different reasons though. I think she is apprehensive due to the fact that her longest relationship has been like 2 weeks or so. I don't think she's willing to get her hopes high. It better that way. Neither am I. I just know that I enjoy being with her and I want to see where this goes. If it becomes something cooler, great.On a lighter note, Jenny and I babysat lastnight for Keja. It was fun. Chase was actually not all hyper. He was kinda mellow for once. It made life easier. Jenny stuck with Honor. She's such a sweet being. Honor that is. She was really silly. I baked cookies, did dishes, beat level 3 on Clone Wars, ordered Pizza and Soda for Jenny and I, motivated Chase to go to sleep and relaxed watching X2 with Jen. It was nice. I like children. I like babysitting, actually. It makes me feel independent. As though their my kids and I have a family. I know its really sappy and dumb, but I like the idea of living on my own. Kids are super fun, pains, brats and innocent. Getting the chance to see what its like to be a parent is always interesting, to me at least. The only thing that would've made it better is if Tara was there. That was the missing link, a someone to watch the movie with and just relax with. Yeah, Jenny was there, but its not the same as having someone you mean something to there. Anyhoo, I want to go to the movies with Tara today, but I have to call and see if she's at home first. Then, if she can even go. I wonder how yesterday went at Zach's. I wish I could've got a chance to hang with all them. It would've been nice to relax and just hangout w/o responsibility. Thats rare and possibly unattainable even. Oh well. I wait to get my break like everyone else. I guess I'll just have to wait for that day and seize it. Time waits for no one.